I’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic lately. I went home and visited some relatives last weekend and, while the visit was short, it reminded me of how much I love being near those folks.
Admittedly, this move was easier than my last (to DC, back in 2007). I’ve transitioned into this new space well, and I really, truly love it here. But it can still be hard being “away from home.” I feel bad missing out on things I’d like to attend. At times, I wish I could split myself into two: visit my nieces on a Saturday, be there for my parents when they need it – all while beginning a new life here in Princeton, complete with M and a new job. But that’s just not how life works.
Today at work someone said, “I love being in my 50s. I don’t really care what people think anymore, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.” I’ve been thinking about her words over and over. How easy it would be to not worry what others think. To assume that the judgement has been lifted. But sometimes, I think I am my own worst enemy. I get inside my head, wondering if others approve of my life or my actions. Sometimes, it can be paralyzing to make any decisions. I seem to always end up feeling guilty, no matter what the choice. Even if I know what is right for me, I still worry that it is not right in the eyes of others. Why?
Although I have these insecurities and “issues,” I am gaining wisdom as I get closer to 30. I’ve been realizing in order for me to achieve a balance, I need to remember to put myself first. No one can take care of me better than me. I know what I need to stay healthy. And so, last night – as I was feeling ill-at-ease about some personal things – I plunged myself into my Christmas cards. It’s silly, I know, to start something so early. I got my hands moving, and I was thinking of all the people who would receive these cards in December and what they mean to me.
I don’t know why I struggle so much to come into my own. But I can feel it happening more and more each day. Like I recently told my mom, “You’ve got to fake it until you make it.” Sounds like words for me to follow, too.